The One Where Joey's Right
by lostlikeme
Summary: Joey insists that his sexual prowess with women will naturally extend to men. Chandler isn't so sure. Monica sets out to prove it. A lighthearted Joey/Chandler Monica threesome.


FADE IN:

INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

In the kitchen of the apartment, JOEY and CHANDLER stand arguing on either side of the counter. MONICA enters.

MONICA

Um, what are you guys talking about?

JOEY

Chandler and I was talking about gay sex.

CHANDLER

Wow, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad!

MONICA

So should I even ask, or should I just let myself out and pretend this never happened?

CHANDLER

Thank you, now if you would be so kind as to-

JOEY

Wait! You just want Monica to leave because I'm finally right about something!

CHANDLER

You are not _finally right_ about something, I just don't want...(GESTURING) my wife to hear how wrong you are!

MONICA

Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on? Seriously, because the tension is starting to give me a headache.

CHANDLER

Fiiiiine. Joey thinks that just because he's good at having sex with a woman, that, well-you know!

MONICA

Oh? Oh. Oh! That his ability to have sex with men would translate!

JOEY

Exactly!

MONICA

Yeah, I could see that. Sort of like how men are from mars and women are from venus.

CHANDLER

First of all, that is a terrible metaphor, secondly, that is not how sex works.

JOEY

Oh yeah cause Chandler would know a lot about how sex works.

MONICA

Um, excuse me, he does have a wife.

CHANDLER

Thank you, Monica.

MONICA

That being said, Joey I think you're right.

CHANDLER

Hey!

MONICA

Sorry, you just aren't the top authority on sex. Like, if all the top authorities on sex were getting together to have a meeting, you wouldn't even get an invitation, okay?

JOEY

Good one, Mon.

CHANDLER

I'm standing right here.

MONICA

Oh honey, I didn't mean it like that! Maybe if those top authorities had a little intern, like a guy who makes copies-

CHANDLER

That could be me?

MONICA

No, sorry. That would probably be me.

CHANDLER

How is this supposed to help me feel better again?

MONICA

Oh, we're _way_ past that! This is about proving whether Joey's right or wrong.

JOEY

And I'm right! Right?

MONICA

Theoretically, but there's only one way to really know for sure!

CHANDLER

I don't like where this is going...

MONICA

You have to have sex with a guy!

JOEY

What?

CHANDLER

I told you, Joe. This is why we should never involve Monica in anything ever!

JOEY

Where the heck am I supposed to find a guy who wants to do that?

MONICA

Oh! Oh! Take Chandler!

CHANDLER

Excuse me?

JOEY

Really? You'd do that for me, Mon?

MONICA

Of course!

CHANDLER

Shouldn't I have a say in who I have sex with?

MONICA

You're lucky you get to have sex at all.

JOEY

How you doin'?

CHANDLER

I'm out of here. You two have gone crazy.

MONICA

Oh come on, Joey's a catch!

CHANDLER

Are you seriously suggesting that your husband should bang his best friend in the name of proving me wrong?

MONICA

You have _no idea_ the lengths I would go.

CHANDLER

That's comforting.

JOEY

Hey! Now I don't feel right doing this if Chandler's not one hundred percent on board.

MONICA

You know what, Joey's right. You two shouldn't be doing this...

CHANDLER

Finally!

MONICA

...without an unbiased third party!

JOEY

Aw man! Where are we gonna find one of those?

CHANDLER

Gee, I wonder.

MONICA

No, Joey, you don't get it. I volunteer!

JOEY

Aw, you don't have to do that. Especially what with you lending me Chandler and all...

CHANDLER

No really. You don't have to do that. I don't have to do that. Neither of us have to do anything with or involving Joey's- _thing_!

JOEY

Come on Chandler, even you know the word penis.

CHANDLER

Yes, of course I do! But not around _girls._

MONICA

Seriously?

CHANDLER

I can't help it!

MONICA

Alright, now what we need is an agreed upon points system.

CHANDLER

No, no, no! I think our best bet would be the complete opposite-

JOEY

Oooh, like set up a _spanking system_. Oh yeah.

CHANDLER

How is spanking the opposite of points?!

MONICA

I like where your head's at, but I meant we should establish some ground rules.

JOEY

Aw man! Now there's rules? This doesn't sound fun anymore.

CHANDLER

Yes Joey, exactly! Not fun, no fun, absolutely nothing fun about this.

MONICA

Okay think of it this way, you know how when you take an exam-

JOEY

Aww that's even worse! Gross!

MONICA

No, no, I mean… I got it!

CHANDLER

 _Great._

MONICA

Football!

JOEY

Oh, I see what you're gettin' at...

MONICA

You do? Really?

JOEY

I gotta get enough points to score a touchdown _,_ right?

MONICA

Sort of. Except it's less about the destination and more about the journey.

JOEY

You mean like, across the field?

CHANDLER

Can we just forget about the points? I'm pretty sure we don't need points to tell if Joey's good at sex.

JOEY

Aw, thanks buddy.

CHANDLER

Not what I meant Joe.

MONICA

How about I make a general rubric.

JOEY

A what?

MONICA

I'll judge Joey on creativity, sensuality, quality of orgasm, and variety of positions.

CHANDLER

And what am I getting out of this?

MONICA

Come on Chandler, you have to at least try to like it. Okay?

CHANDLER

What? Why? I never had to _try_ and like boobs!

MONICA

You didn't like me right away, did you?

CHANDLER

That was different. You can't use that!

MONICA

Well it was worth a shot! Please Chandler, I'll be with you the whole way. You don't have anything to worry about.

CHANDLER

Oh, fine. I'll have sex with Joey.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOEY'S ROOM

The bedroom is unkempt, but not dirty. The three of them huddle close on the full sized bed. An industrial sized lube pump rests on the end table.

CHANDLER

If I don't like it, you'll just stop, right?

JOEY

Of course.

CHANDLER

Well then I definitely don't like it.

JOEY

Then I'll definitely stop.

MONICA

Oh come on, we haven't even started yet! How about starting with a kiss, okay? You're good at kissing.

CHANDLER

Really?

MONICA

Eh.

JOEY

We have to kiss?

MONICA

Unless either of you normally have sex without kissing.

JOEY

Well _actually_ -

MONICA

Just shut up and kiss him!

JOEY and CHANDLER share a kiss.

JOEY

(PULLING BACK) Isn't that a little too much tongue?

MONICA

That's what I always say!

JOEY

(UNBUTTONING HIS PANTS) Let's get this show on the road.

CHANDLER

Whoa! Isn't this moving a little fast?

MONICA

Oh, don't be such a girl!

CHANDLER

Are you really hard? Just from that?

JOEY

What? How else is a guy supposed to have sex! It's a normal reaction.

CHANDLER

And you're...really going to put it in _there_?

MONICA

Come on Chandler, where did you think he was going to put it?

CHANDLER

I don't know I thought maybe-

MONICA

You were thinking about sucking his-oh my god-you were!

CHANDLER

(BLUSHING) I was not!

MONICA

It's okay. Everyone gets a little curious sometimes. Right Joey?

JOEY

Yeah, of course!

CHANDLER

Really? So even you have thoughts about-

JOEY

No.

MONICA

Joey!

JOEY

I'm kiddin'! It ain't like it makes you gay or whatever, so who cares!

CHANDLER

Yeah, I guess… (REMOVING PANTS)

MONICA

Um, hello? What do you mean "you guess"? Your wife is in the room you know!

JOEY

Exactly, see, if he was gay, he would-

MONICA

Am the only one who knows bisexuality is a thing?

CHANDLER

Oh, right. Let me reschedule my sexuality crisis for a day when the room is less crowded, and I don't have someone about to-whoo boy that's cold!

MONICA

It's just lube, honey. Ooh-does anyone have a condom?

JOEY

(GRINNING) Gotcha covered.

CHANDLER

Now who's the one asking stupid questions?

JOEY

Alright, I'm gonna get started.

MONICA

Go for it, Joey!

CHANDLER

Thanks for being on my side, babe.

JOEY

(GROPING CHANDLER) I'm on your side.

CHANDLER

Hey! I object!

JOEY

To what?

CHANDLER

I have a very sensitive posterior.

JOEY

That's not fair, that's part of my technique!

MONICA

Objection overruled, his hands were within range.

CHANDLER

Within range of my butt!

JOEY

Look, I can't just stick it up there. There's no way! I gotta work it open first.

CHANDLER

Please never say those words again.

MONICA

For someone who's never done it with a man, you sure seem to know what you're doing.

JOEY

Hey! Girls like it in the butt too, ya know.

CHANDLER

Not any of the girls I've been with…

MONICA

Yeah, all three of them?

CHANDLER

Wait a minute! What the hell was that?

JOEY

I dunno, it's your butt!

CHANDLER

I don't mess around in there. It's uncharted territory.

MONICA

Oh, I know this one! I think Joey just found your prostate. And on the first try, too. Ten points for Joey!

CHANDLER

I thought we got rid of the points system?

JOEY

Aw yeah. Told ya the skill would translate.

CHANDLER

Just because you found it by accident doesn't mean you can do it again-Okay, nevermind!

JOEY

See?

MONICA

Wow, it's like you've memorized a map.

CHANDLER

A map of my butthole, how romantic.

JOEY

Okay, I'm gonna put it in now.

MONICA

Hmm. I'm gonna have to take off points since Chandler's only half hard.

JOEY

I can fix that! (DROPPING TO HIS KNEES)

CHANDLER

Oh my god! You told me you never think about-

JOEY

What's there to think about? It's just like getting a blowjob, but opposite.

CHANDLER

What if you bite it off? It's not amateur hour at the playboy mansion.

MONICA

Well it looks pretty first rate from where I'm standing.

JOEY

(PULLING BACK) Thanks! I watch a lot of porn, so I can't take all the credit.

MONICA

Wow, maybe I should be taking notes.

JOEY

Tribbiani's aren't born with a gag reflex, helps the sandwiches go down faster.

CHANDLER

I always thought of my penis as more of a meatball sub.

JOEY

You're practically packing a footlong.

JOEY

Well that sure did the job!

MONICA

Time to initiate phase two! Joey, get the lube.

JOEY

You got it, Mon. (PUMPING VIGOROUSLY)

CHANDLER

Isn't that a little excessive?

JOEY

What kinda sex you been having? No such thing as too much lube!

CHANDLER

My ass is starting to feel like a slip n' slide.

MONICA

Do you think it's loose enough?

CHANDLER

Just hurry up and get it over with already.

JOEY

No rushing the process! You're talkin' to an expert here!

MONICA

We'll see about that.

CHANDLER

Wait! I think I changed my mind.

MONICA

Chandler!

JOEY

You think? There ain't nothing to be scared of.

CHANDLER

I'm not scared… I'm just nervous.

MONICA

If he's half as good at fucking as he is at sucking, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

CHANDLER

Alright but if it hurts you have to stop!

JOEY

It'll just be a pinch.

MONICA

Like at the doctor!

CHANDLER

It always hurts at the doctor's.

JOEY

But afterwards you get a lollipop.

CHANDLER

So then is the orgasm my lollipop?

JOEY

You tell me.

CHANDLER

Ow!

MONICA

It's going in!

CHANDLER

Stop watching!

MONICA

How can I keep score if I can't see anything?

CHANDLER

Well at least stop narrating.

MONICA

He's almost all the way in!

CHANDLER

You're telling me.

JOEY

You okay, buddy?

CHANDLER

Yeah, I think so…

JOEY

Here, lemme give you a hand.

CHANDLER

No, no, you don't have to do that.

MONICA

Because that's somehow gayer?

CHANDLER

I don't know! I'm a little preoccupied right now.

JOEY

If you keep doing that I'm going to come.

CHANDLER

Doing what?

JOEY

That!

CHANDLER

I'm not doing anything!

MONICA

Aw, Joey!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOEY'S LIVING ROOM

MONICA

Now since you used six positions-seven, if you count the time Chandler-

CHANDLER

That does not count!

MONICA

Okay, six and a half positions.

CHANDLER

I think he deserves points for creativity for the part with the boot.

MONICA

Nah, I've seen that before.

CHANDLER

Where?

MONICA

That's not important. What's important is that...Joey scored 95 points!

JOEY

Wow, I never got an A before.

CHANDLER

Don't sell yourself short, Joe. You always did great in gym.

JOEY

And lunch!

CHANDLER

Do they grade you on eating, or the food you bring?

JOEY

I dunno, but I bet I aced it!

CHANDLER

So what'd he lose five points for?

MONICA

Premature ejaculation.

JOEY

That was only the first round, and it was Chandler's fault!

CHANDLER

My fault?

MONICA

(TO CHANDLER) So! What do you think?

CHANDLER

Promise not to make fun of me?

MONICA

Of course sweetie, I would never do something like that. Just how mean do you think I am?

CHANDLER

Remember that time you made me sleep on the couch because I accidentally messed up your spoon organizational system?

MONICA

Fair point. But come on-you have to tell me _something_.

CHANDLER

It was awesome. Imagine the best orgasm you ever had. Now double it.

MONICA

Excuse me? Don't you think maybe you're exaggerating a little bit?

CHANDLER

Of course. I wasn't counting the times between me and you. I just meant-

MONICA

Oh, I think we all know what you meant. Don't we Joey?

JOEY

Uh…

MONICA

Joey's better than me, isn't he?

CHANDLER

That's not something I would ever say.

JOEY

Well, there's only one way to find out!

MONICA

(SIGHS)

JOEY

How you doin'?


End file.
